I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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