don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
