I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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