I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
