C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
