Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
