somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
