hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
