Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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