If that was your dad, he is hot
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
