dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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