I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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