I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
