What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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