Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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