do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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