If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
