he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
