glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
