i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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