i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
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