i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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