So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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