i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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