NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
