hell yes lets make some ravioli
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
