Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Couch. On fire.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
