I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
