You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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