my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
it hurts more in the daytime
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize