Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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