My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
