oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
