No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
