i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize