Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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