you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
