I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize