I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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