so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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