I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Houston, we have a blender
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize