she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
