I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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