Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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