I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Im part way to drunk.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
