So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
