im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
