A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
