Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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