Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
