I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
