Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I am available for nakedness
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize