I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
