If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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