I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
