the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
