My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
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