too bad you live with your parents still
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
