I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
