hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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