Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
