He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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