Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
