I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
