Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
