You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
